The Last Time I Got into a Fight

It was 5:49 AM and the sun was just starting to peak out which meant it was time to go to sleep. My dog Sammy was howling at something in a tree but I wasn’t really paying attention to it. My other dog Jackie noticed something was up and started scratching at the door. I let her out and she ran overly anxious outside to join in with Sammy I brushed my teeth in the bathroom and then was walking to my room when I heard a loud thud outside fallowed by some rustling. As I calmly waked over to investigate I heard the most terrifying scream I’ve ever heard in my life. It was horrific. It sounded like a pterodactyl. If there was a movie about Satan’s baby….it would have sounded like that. It scared the hell straight from me.

My adrenaline kicked in and I ran as fast as one could while wearing socks on a tile floor. When I got outside I saw before me.. the biggest raccoon on this planet ... he was on Sammy’s back and he had him in a chokehold…..I am not joking. He had Sammy in a rear naked choke and Sammy was in a bad spot. Without thinking I screamed “get off of him you dirty raccoon!!!!” I had to intervene but I didn't want rabies. I magically grabbed the back of the raccoon’s neck and threw him off of Sammy in one fell swoop. It skidded along the concrete about 3 feet, sliding half the distance…..as soon as it stopped, it went straight into a battle stance with his claws and teeth exposed, ready to attack. I have to admit….that shit was scary. It looked like it had been in that battle stance many times before and knew what to do once it got there.

Both the dogs charged toward the raccoon. I dove and grabbed Jackie’s collar. I tried the same with Sammy but my finger slipped and he darted for the raccoon. Something just came over me……I had to protect my dogs, so I miraculously lunged toward the ravenous Raccoon. In one motion I shoved Sammy out of the way with my left arm and threw a lunging hook from hell with my right. It landed straight in the raccoon's stomach…..full force. I can still feel it's skin on my fist. It felt kinda like a chubby guy's stomach...but with fur. It hit that thing pretty hard....I probably hurt it...the poor thing.....It let out a defeated yelp and scurried off, up a tree. I didn't want to hurt it but it messed with my family....so sorry raccoon.

The dogs chased after it but I could see it was clearly gone. Still on my knees from throwing the low punch and exhausted, I collapsed on the ground and tried to catch my breath. As I was laying there, not knowing what had happened, my mom nonchalantly walks over to me and says. Joey, “what was the weird noise?” I replied with….”aw...I just beat up a Raccoon”