So last Thursday I had a job interview. I saw an ad on craigslist from Gymboree. They said they were looking for someone who likes music and kids. Well Shit that just sounded perfect....I think both are great. The job was basically a day care type of place that teaches kids to sing. So I figured that something like this would be perfect for me to just do here and there as a part time job. I told my friend James about it and considering he had years of experience working with children he seemed interested as well It was a group interview, so we decided that we might as well go together and at least one of us would end up getting the job and it'd be fun.
When I showed up there were at least thirty people there. It was packed. …I was only expecting like 5 or so people so it took me off guard. Also Barry Shwam was there…(the man who played my father in the movie “Ill Square”) I hadn’t seen him since we filmed so it was very odd seeing him. I gave him a hug and said “hi father” …..he then said “wow that was awkward” and that pretty much our exchange cause right after they called us in.
They gathered us around and had us put on name tags that had balloons and clowns on them. They said that the interview would last about 1-2 hours and that some of the things may make us feel uncomfortable and we may leave at any time………Thinking back now, I really should have gotten the hell out of there right then and there…that sounds really creepy and now I can see why
First thing they have us pair up and introduce your parter....I choose James which made it easy and we just played off the fact that we knew each other. After that they then bring out one of their employees. They introduce him and he jogs up and screams “alright everybody, are you guys ready to do the hokey pokey!?!!?!! Ya put ya right hand in put ya right hand out...etc...” So everyone of us awkwardly proceeded to do the hokey pokey...which was rough to say the least...I can still feel the embarrassment emanating from every single one of those poor people...
Now at this point I started scanning the room to see what my competition was...like you would do in any survivor type scenario....immediately I knew who had the job…There was this one guy named Andrew who just had this look in his eyes....you could just see it.....My friend James knew it too....and probably everyone else did as well.... essentially this interview was just a test to see who could make the biggest fool out of themselves....and Andrew looked
Anyway....They then brought us in the play room had us play charades. The subjects were things that 4 years olds would be able to answer…like “bounce” or “small” ....."Run".....So it goes without saying….this was a pretty lame game of charades. It was going along quick enough up until we got to this older lady. She got a card and just did not know what to do for it. So this turned into this long drawn out , really awkward thing where because the subjects were so simple and made for 4 year olds....they gave her time to get it......they even kept saying “you can do it” in an encouraging way.....probably the way they are used to saying it to the kids....it was very demeaning.... After an obscene amount of time she finally just asked the owner for help…….so the word ended up being “across” and now I can see how that would be hard and I'm glad I didn't get that card……that poor lady....but the game went on really long and at one point I started getting bored….i knew it would hurt my chances but I just started shouting out ridiculous answers like “Time Travel”……”French Literature”
After that, we did a roll playing exercise……which I have to say....I hate role playing exercises....a lot...they are so degrading. And I hate the way they always say “there are no wrong answers here” ….are you fucking kidding me?! Of course there are wrong answers!!!! That's why you do it!!! Other wise you wouldn't know who to hire!!!….So we went into a group and I knew that if I really wanted any chance at the job I’d have to be leader and present for the group. I read the question but.. I just didn’t know what they would be looking for….it said “if a customer starts to play with one of the parachutes during class what would do you do? A girl in my group offered to present and I just let her go ahead...she said that she would show the parachute to the customer and have a kid play with it to show them how fun it is and then maybe they would buy it. The owner paused and gave this puzzled look and said...."ok.... does anyone else have something to say?.".he looked at me but I just sat there still thinking of the question…..while the next group was presenting I realized that by “customers” he had meant one of the kids….so the concept was that the kid was disrupting the class by playing with the parachute…so we mis read the question………..so.... there is your wrong answers you fuckhead!....later on he even pointed out that they don't encourage trying to sell products and then eluded to our presentation!
So two hours passed and we get to the final audition. They ask who wants to perform a song?!…..so one by one people start to perform interactive nursery rhymes ie.. I’m a Little Teapot, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star….etc And each one everyone joined into together and sang along with the motions and everything….. one by one... 30 people....which means 30 times we had to do that .....Now I've never been gang raped but I assume it would be kinda like that.....we all reluctantly pretended like we knew all the motions looking around at eachother.....acting like we are having fun doing this degrading crap... …..it was unbelievably embarrassing…..Then as my turn neared...I realized that I wasn’t prepared…no kid songs were popping in my head and I certainly didn't know the motions …So when my turn came I froze and then said "Well I thought this was more like an American Idol type of setting… so my song isn't really interactive..... But I always sing this song to my niece when I put her to bed.” So I sang the Disney song “When you wish upon a star” I sang it in my high falsetto voice where I try to sound like Judy Garland……as soon as I went into it everyone started laughing…..like almost inappropriately laughing……I trucked through it....but it was brutal....I mean I nailed the song in key…but it was a truly excruciating experience…After me..... Andrew was up, the dude that I thought was a Shoo In, So he springs up all excited and goes straight the fuck into it....he does the song “head, shoulders, knees and toes” and really fucking goes for it…….balls to the wall.....like he hams it up big time…. his eyes were all big and he goes “Come on Everybody!!! Head Shoulder Knees And Toes....KNEES AND TOES!!!” with his hands on his hips…..He did the tempo change and everything. He looked like he studied in the mirror for hours.
Right after this is was done the owner sat us down and told us we were coming up on 3 hours and they need to leave. So the guy starts to finally describe the job trying to sum it all up as quickly as possible and cuts to the chase…..he says a lot of people don’t make it in the job because it’s a very stressful…, it’s very physically demanding and there are a lot of parameters and rules to follow considering you are taking care of people’s children.. The general employee works only 15-20 hours a day because of the fact that it takes so much energy being in charge of 20 kids. On top of all of that there is a lot of memorization and homework involved. They are looking for 1-2 people and it pays minimum wage…………......................seriously?
WHAT THE FUCK!?!!?!!!!
I busted out of there like my balls were on fire…..After that I got some food with James and we talked about how awful the interview was. We talked about what an awful, degrading experience it was, but the worst part was that we weren't even good enough to get it.....that's just priceless.....
When I got home I got ready for my gig that night at Senior Fish in Los Angeles. Is was an event for the ISGOOD radio show that was put on by Jon Hersfield, who is a really cool guy that has interviewed basically every band that has ever existed in LA. The event was called the garden party and it was really cool…there was a taco stand and a dessert truck…really bitchen party.
On the way over my drummer called me and said the sound guy quit….they have to get another PA and there won’t be a mixing board….which means it will set our sets back 2 hours….
When I got there I didn't have ID….I didn’t even think about it considering I wasn’t planning on drinking that night and I was playing so there is no way i'd get hassled. So I tried to bring my equipment in but the door guy wouldn't let me in. He said there are no exceptions no matter what….Now this has happened to me a few times before so I know how to deal with it. I said "well then do you not want me to play?....which always makes them cave …but this time the guys would just not budge. The owner even came out and gave everyone a lecture about how the place got popped and how irresponsible it is to not have ID. They said they will not let a soul into the place no matter what and he didn’t care if we didn’t end up playing. So I just waited out there not knowing what to do….eventually Jon found me and said "Lets Go" he snuck me in this weird way in the back…..which was actually pretty cool...it felt like that scene in Goodfellas when they sneak through the kitchen to go the Bobby Vinton concert…..only I was the one playing the show……..Anyway….Once I got inside we found some different clothes for me to wear along with a hat. They put me in a room in the back and I sat there until we had to play....meanwhile the owners roamed around looking for me throughout the night. It was really ridiculous….but it made me feel a little special….like I was dangerous….like Harrison Ford in the Fugitive……
So we end up going on at around
Also right in the middle of our set some drunk dude stumbled on stage and grabbed Brock’s mic and said “you guys are gay!!”……Great...…..So as we start the next song and I knew it was bugging Brock.. while the intro was going he said over the mic "i wanna kick that guys ass" .....So we grind through the rest of the set and try our best…the last two songs went well, but overall it was rather disappointing. Especially considering it was the last show we played with our drummer and I was really set on putting on a great show for Jon.....if you are reading this...I'm sorry Jon...I feel like I let you down....we are usually way better than that and we usually bring out a lot more people....after we end it’s just about 2am and they scurry us out of the building
As I’m packing up I get a phone call from an odd number……it's the LA City Jail with a call from my Ex Girlfriend.......Great..........
So that was my day……..last Thursday……
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