Fights and Fights 12-12-09

I just got back from San Fransico that day and got a little bit of sleep, but not very much…I had to be at my brothers just a few hours after I had gotten home because I didn't want to miss any of the UFC fights that night....And I'm glad I didn't cause they were pretty good. I went with Aaron P and afterwards we were going to our friend Mike’s party. The tv flipped out for one of the fights so we had to watch the replay so we ran a little late to the party. When I finally arrived, I entered and didn’t see any faces I recognized…which is always a scary situation….....I wasn't even sure it was the right party because I left my phone at my brothers and Aaron drove separate.....but shorty after I entered I heard someone yell “Fraley!!!” ……which was comforting.

A few of my close friends ended up being there and I had a great time. I was drinking and we were all having a blast. After a couple of my friends left I didn’t know anyone except for my friend Mike. But I was in a gregarious mood, so I went over and sat on the couch and decided to be social. There were three girls next to me and they were all sitting together, talking to eachother and they were all wearing black leather jackets……so…..naturally....... I had to say something.

Now…. I’m not going to lie….I was drunk….so I’m not sure what my initial comment to them was but it was either “have you guys seen Grease?” or “Did you guys all plan that together or was it a coincidence?”……which I think are legitimate questions

But these girls just flipped. They straight up bombarded me with a giant hate storm. Like……It was ridiculous. I tried to explain myself and make light of the situation by cracking some jokes……but these girls where not having it. They gave me death stares straight from the depths of hell and hurled insults at me left and right.

Now this was one of those situations where everyone was listening to our conversation…so I was trying to be funny…so I kept egging them on being overly nice in a joking fashion. It was a funny situation and even though they were being really rude....it was fun and I felt confident that I would ultimately win them over in the end. At one point I even leaned over to my friend and joked “one of these girls will be going home with me by the end of the night”

Then in the middle of my conversation....straight out of nowhere this dude walks up and starts going fucking crazy on these girls….I don’t know what set him off exactly…..but he goes off…..telling them how they are all some dumb, broke ass bitches....and then proceeds to go down the line…..explaining why each one is ugly …..... “You’re way too short!……you’ve got a big nose!!!....and you’re just straight up fucking ugly!!!!!!

I could hardly see what happened next because things were happening so god damn fast. But one girl slapped him and the short one threw a drink violently in his face. A big flail of chaos broke with people grapping eachother…..but ultimately the guy’s friend escorts him out of the building in a very dramatic fashion where he is screaming and pointing while he is being pulled back.....like someone from Flava of Love

The girls slam the door on them and the party is left with the most enormous awkward silence I'd ever heard……So I turn to the girls and say “So we’re cool now right” ……..The whole party starts laughing and everyone’s loosens up. One cracks a smile introduced herself as Kelly….while the other two storm off in the other room…..I talk to Kelly for a bit and I win her over and the night goes on. I don’t get a chance to talk to the other two girls but later on while I see that they are leaving I say to them… “hey guys, hold up what if this is the last time we see eachother?.....have you seen the notebook?” I noticed Kelly smiled but the other one slammed the door in my face. I turned to everyone and said…. "one of them could be the one”

I’m not a big fan of people hating me so the next day I decided to see if I could clear the air with one of the two girls that hated me …….. I couldn’t find the short one on facebook....

So I sent her this letter:

Hey Angela! How's it going? I feel like we were really hitting it off at the party the other night. You're a Scorpio huh....Have you seen the notebook?......did I already ask you that?..............

Okay i know you think i'm a jackass.....but I’m sorry you had such a bad night. I really wasn’t trying to take a go at you. I was just trying to lighten the mood and I didn’t get a good chance to prove that I’m not an asshole……I wanted to take one more crack at redeeming myself.......

I attached a copy of one of my Christmas songs(www.youtube.com/klumband) and sent out a friend request.

This was the response I got……..notice that all the words are capitalized

PLEASE DONT TALK TO ME! YOU ARE ANNOYING AND I DENIED YOUR FRIEND REQUEST! IF YOU CONTACT ME AGAIN I WILL HAVE TO TAKE LEAGAL ACTIONS TO GET YOU TO STOP! SERIOUSLY!

So the lesson here is people…….you can’t win em all…….and that’s too bad….because I kinda like big noses.

My list of movies that wouldn’t have to change their title if they were made into a porno

Here is my list of movies that wouldn’t have to change their title if they were made into a porno. If I missed any…which I’m sure I did…..please let me know

It’s actually almost easier to find movies that don’t work. If you use your imagination the possibilities are endless.


Deep Impact
You, Me and Dupree
Super Size Me
The Whole Nine Yards
Three Men and a Little Lady
Hot Shots!
There Will Be Blood
Sister Act 2 Back in the Habit
Igby Goes Down
Sideways
The Polar Express
Analyze This
Roll Bounce
While You Were Sleeping
The Upside of Anger
Tremors 2: Aftershocks
Toy Story 2
Yours, Mine and Ours
A Walk to Remember
The Happening
Freaky Friday
Flubber
The Descent
The Air Up There
The Pursuit of Happiness
Are We Done Yet?
Anaconda: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
From Justin to Kelly
Girl with a Pearl Earring
Herbie: Fully Loaded
What Women Want
Whale Rider
How Stella Got Her Groove Back
The Thin Red Line
Shaft
Anywhere but Here
Up
The Fast and the Furious
Quigley Down Under
A River Runs Through It
13 Going on 30
Big Trouble in Little China
What About Bob?
Gone in 60 Seconds
Lethal Weapon
Pieces of April
Snatch
What Lies Beneath
The Italian Job
Out of Africa
The Fourth Kind
Fun with Dick and Jane
Mr. Woodcock
All the Kings Men
Paranormal Activity
The Elephant Man
……………..

Bad Job Interview, Bad Show, Bad Phone Call 11-12-09

So last Thursday I had a job interview. I saw an ad on craigslist from Gymboree. They said they were looking for someone who likes music and kids. Well Shit that just sounded perfect....I think both are great. The job was basically a day care type of place that teaches kids to sing. So I figured that something like this would be perfect for me to just do here and there as a part time job. I told my friend James about it and considering he had years of experience working with children he seemed interested as well It was a group interview, so we decided that we might as well go together and at least one of us would end up getting the job and it'd be fun.

When I showed up there were at least thirty people there. It was packed. …I was only expecting like 5 or so people so it took me off guard. Also Barry Shwam was there…(the man who played my father in the movie “Ill Square”) I hadn’t seen him since we filmed so it was very odd seeing him. I gave him a hug and said “hi father” …..he then said “wow that was awkward” and that pretty much our exchange cause right after they called us in.

They gathered us around and had us put on name tags that had balloons and clowns on them. They said that the interview would last about 1-2 hours and that some of the things may make us feel uncomfortable and we may leave at any time………Thinking back now, I really should have gotten the hell out of there right then and there…that sounds really creepy and now I can see why

First thing they have us pair up and introduce your parter....I choose James which made it easy and we just played off the fact that we knew each other. After that they then bring out one of their employees. They introduce him and he jogs up and screams “alright everybody, are you guys ready to do the hokey pokey!?!!?!! Ya put ya right hand in put ya right hand out...etc...” So everyone of us awkwardly proceeded to do the hokey pokey...which was rough to say the least...I can still feel the embarrassment emanating from every single one of those poor people...

Now at this point I started scanning the room to see what my competition was...like you would do in any survivor type scenario....immediately I knew who had the job…There was this one guy named Andrew who just had this look in his eyes....you could just see it.....My friend James knew it too....and probably everyone else did as well.... essentially this interview was just a test to see who could make the biggest fool out of themselves....and Andrew looked like he was ready jump on his knees and suck some fat cock at the snap of their fingers

Anyway....They then brought us in the play room had us play charades. The subjects were things that 4 years olds would be able to answer…like “bounce” or “small” ....."Run".....So it goes without saying….this was a pretty lame game of charades. It was going along quick enough up until we got to this older lady. She got a card and just did not know what to do for it. So this turned into this long drawn out , really awkward thing where because the subjects were so simple and made for 4 year olds....they gave her time to get it......they even kept saying “you can do it” in an encouraging way.....probably the way they are used to saying it to the kids....it was very demeaning.... After an obscene amount of time she finally just asked the owner for help…….so the word ended up being “across” and now I can see how that would be hard and I'm glad I didn't get that card……that poor lady....but the game went on really long and at one point I started getting bored….i knew it would hurt my chances but I just started shouting out ridiculous answers like “Time Travel”……”French Literature”

After that, we did a roll playing exercise……which I have to say....I hate role playing exercises....a lot...they are so degrading. And I hate the way they always say “there are no wrong answers here” ….are you fucking kidding me?! Of course there are wrong answers!!!! That's why you do it!!! Other wise you wouldn't know who to hire!!!….So we went into a group and I knew that if I really wanted any chance at the job I’d have to be leader and present for the group. I read the question but.. I just didn’t know what they would be looking for….it said “if a customer starts to play with one of the parachutes during class what would do you do? A girl in my group offered to present and I just let her go ahead...she said that she would show the parachute to the customer and have a kid play with it to show them how fun it is and then maybe they would buy it. The owner paused and gave this puzzled look and said...."ok.... does anyone else have something to say?.".he looked at me but I just sat there still thinking of the question…..while the next group was presenting I realized that by “customers” he had meant one of the kids….so the concept was that the kid was disrupting the class by playing with the parachute…so we mis read the question………..so.... there is your wrong answers you fuckhead!....later on he even pointed out that they don't encourage trying to sell products and then eluded to our presentation!

So two hours passed and we get to the final audition. They ask who wants to perform a song?!…..so one by one people start to perform interactive nursery rhymes ie.. I’m a Little Teapot, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star….etc And each one everyone joined into together and sang along with the motions and everything….. one by one... 30 people....which means 30 times we had to do that .....Now I've never been gang raped but I assume it would be kinda like that.....we all reluctantly pretended like we knew all the motions looking around at eachother.....acting like we are having fun doing this degrading crap... …..it was unbelievably embarrassing…..Then as my turn neared...I realized that I wasn’t prepared…no kid songs were popping in my head and I certainly didn't know the motions …So when my turn came I froze and then said "Well I thought this was more like an American Idol type of setting… so my song isn't really interactive..... But I always sing this song to my niece when I put her to bed.” So I sang the Disney song “When you wish upon a star” I sang it in my high falsetto voice where I try to sound like Judy Garland……as soon as I went into it everyone started laughing…..like almost inappropriately laughing……I trucked through it....but it was brutal....I mean I nailed the song in key…but it was a truly excruciating experience…After me..... Andrew was up, the dude that I thought was a Shoo In, So he springs up all excited and goes straight the fuck into it....he does the song “head, shoulders, knees and toes” and really fucking goes for it…….balls to the wall.....like he hams it up big time…. his eyes were all big and he goes “Come on Everybody!!! Head Shoulder Knees And Toes....KNEES AND TOES!!!” with his hands on his hips…..He did the tempo change and everything. He looked like he studied in the mirror for hours.

Right after this is was done the owner sat us down and told us we were coming up on 3 hours and they need to leave. So the guy starts to finally describe the job trying to sum it all up as quickly as possible and cuts to the chase…..he says a lot of people don’t make it in the job because it’s a very stressful…, it’s very physically demanding and there are a lot of parameters and rules to follow considering you are taking care of people’s children.. The general employee works only 15-20 hours a day because of the fact that it takes so much energy being in charge of 20 kids. On top of all of that there is a lot of memorization and homework involved. They are looking for 1-2 people and it pays minimum wage…………......................seriously?

WHAT THE FUCK!?!!?!!!!

I busted out of there like my balls were on fire…..After that I got some food with James and we talked about how awful the interview was. We talked about what an awful, degrading experience it was, but the worst part was that we weren't even good enough to get it.....that's just priceless.....

When I got home I got ready for my gig that night at Senior Fish in Los Angeles. Is was an event for the ISGOOD radio show that was put on by Jon Hersfield, who is a really cool guy that has interviewed basically every band that has ever existed in LA. The event was called the garden party and it was really cool…there was a taco stand and a dessert truck…really bitchen party.

On the way over my drummer called me and said the sound guy quit….they have to get another PA and there won’t be a mixing board….which means it will set our sets back 2 hours….

When I got there I didn't have ID….I didn’t even think about it considering I wasn’t planning on drinking that night and I was playing so there is no way i'd get hassled. So I tried to bring my equipment in but the door guy wouldn't let me in. He said there are no exceptions no matter what….Now this has happened to me a few times before so I know how to deal with it. I said "well then do you not want me to play?....which always makes them cave …but this time the guys would just not budge. The owner even came out and gave everyone a lecture about how the place got popped and how irresponsible it is to not have ID. They said they will not let a soul into the place no matter what and he didn’t care if we didn’t end up playing. So I just waited out there not knowing what to do….eventually Jon found me and said "Lets Go" he snuck me in this weird way in the back…..which was actually pretty cool...it felt like that scene in Goodfellas when they sneak through the kitchen to go the Bobby Vinton concert…..only I was the one playing the show……..Anyway….Once I got inside we found some different clothes for me to wear along with a hat. They put me in a room in the back and I sat there until we had to play....meanwhile the owners roamed around looking for me throughout the night. It was really ridiculous….but it made me feel a little special….like I was dangerous….like Harrison Ford in the Fugitive……

So we end up going on at around 1am…..but by then there were only a handful of people left. We didn’t really sound good at all….We have so many instruments....so when we play in small venues we end up sounding way to cluttered and muddy. There was a lot of feedback and all the power was going through one outlet so all the mics shocked the hell out of your lips when you went near them…It was tough....

Also right in the middle of our set some drunk dude stumbled on stage and grabbed Brock’s mic and said “you guys are gay!!”……Great...…..So as we start the next song and I knew it was bugging Brock.. while the intro was going he said over the mic "i wanna kick that guys ass" .....So we grind through the rest of the set and try our best…the last two songs went well, but overall it was rather disappointing. Especially considering it was the last show we played with our drummer and I was really set on putting on a great show for Jon.....if you are reading this...I'm sorry Jon...I feel like I let you down....we are usually way better than that and we usually bring out a lot more people....after we end it’s just about 2am and they scurry us out of the building

As I’m packing up I get a phone call from an odd number……it's the LA City Jail with a call from my Ex Girlfriend.......Great..........

So that was my day……..last Thursday……

Top Ten Movies of the 90's

I started making my best movies of the 2000’s. But I figured there is still a month left….so even though I doubt a film this year could crack my list….I’ll hang in there till the end...In the mean time I’ll make a list for the 90’s. I must have a disclaimer that multiple viewings had a large impact on what made the list...so keep that in mine.. So with out further ado... here is my list of top 10 best movies of the 90’s

1. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

One of the most inspirational films of all time, Shawshank is about hope. And we all need some of that!...On Imdb it is ranked as the #1 movie of all time. And it definitely has every reason to be in contention for it. Like every film on this list I can watch this movie over and over again and it never gets old. It is a beautiful story about friendship, courage, and freedom and I love it. It makes me want to hug my friends.

2. Pulp Fiction (1994)

This might be the coolest movie ever....I’ll never forget the first time I saw this film. I was 13 and I don’t think I had ever been that excited while watching a movie. At the time it was made there was nothing like it. It was so fresh and hip. This movie has influenced the film industry dramatically and forever will be Quentin Tarantino’s greatest masterpiece. This has been copied about 174 times...but nothings been as good.

3. Magnolia (1999)

Debatably Paul Thomas Anderson’s greatest film, Magnolia is one of the heaviest movies you will ever see. I can’t think of a movie that is as emotionally draining and dark. The cast is just stacked with talent and Jon Brion’s score is so wonderfully moody and compelling. This established PTA as one of the greatest directors of our time.

4. GoodFellas (1990)

I will say it over and over again and stand by it. This is Martin Scorsese’s best movie. It is the quintessential mob movie. With some of the sleekest editing you will see. It is executed perfectly, and every character is played wonderfully with great complexity. This proves that the protagonists can also be the villains and you can love them and hate them at the same time.

5. Groundhog Day (1993)

This is a great example of a perfect movie. It never misses a beat. It is funny, intelligent, romantic, and heart warming. On the surface this is just your typical Bill Murray screwball comedy, but it is a wonderfully deep, and moving picture. Take out the comedy and this is really a grim and thought provoking story. I may have seen this more than any other movie. Which is ironic considering the plot.

6. Rushmore (1998)

This movie is so fucking good. I think it is the most under looked of Wes Anderson’s films. It is the funniest of all his films and could be called the best as well. The style of this movie is impeccable. What a great feel.....this solidified the Wes Anderson style.....Bill Murray is one of my favorite actors and this is one of his best performances. The ending slow mo shot is Wes’s trademark and it is so fitting it makes me feel great every time.

7. Forrest Gump (1994)

I don’t think it’s as good as it was in 94’….But Forrest Gump is probably one of the most memorable movies to come out in the 90’s. At the time I was routing for it to win best picture and it did…..but now I think that Pulp Fiction and Shawshank got robbed….never the less it’s still a wonderful movie and it is also the only movie on my list that won best picture.

8. Sling Blade (1996)

This movie is why you know who Billy Bob Thornton is. He wrote, directed and starred in this great little film. And it is by far and away his best performance. He becomes a different person in this movie and is unrecognizable. The funny thing is every single roll he played after this he basically plays the same character….Billy Bob Thornton. But if you haven’t seen this, check it out…it’s great.

9. Boogie Nights (1997)

This movie is a roller coaster. It’s exciting, funny, dark, and touching. Who would have thought you could get all those emotions from a movie about porn. This made the careers of just about everyone in it. This is the only movie that could pull off playing “God Only Knows” at the final scene without having me cringe.

10. Waiting for Guffman (1996)

This is really the film that influenced the mocumentary boom as of late. This is some of the best dry comedy you will see. People will laugh at the bigger silly jokes but it’s really the subtle nuances that are the funniest. You can catch new jokes after watching it a fourth time. I doubt Christopher Guest will be able to top this one.

Honorable Mentions

The Big Lebowski (1998)

I have to admit that the first time I saw The Big Lebowski I didn’t like it that much. But with every viewing it gets better and better. This is probably the Cohen brother’s finest achievement. It is quirky, offbeat and hysterical. Jeff Bridges brings to life one of the greatest character’s of our time…the Dude….

The Fugitive (1993)

This movie has lost some steam over the years. But if you catch this on TBS on a Sunday evening, it is just as exciting as it was in 93. This catapulted Tommy Lee Jones’s career and is his best roll to date. I’m not a big fan of thrillers…mostly because they aren’t done right. This is what a thriller should be. It keeps you on the edge of your seat the whole time and comes through with a great ending.

Dazed and Confused (1993)

I love movies like this. It just has such a great feel that not many movies can pull off. It is one of the best high school movies ever but it doesn’t seem like one. This influenced so many of the “day in the life” films made. But I can’t think of one that is as fun and cool as Dazed and Confused.

Edward Scissorhands (1990)

Although it is a very simple and almost cliché, Edward Scissorhands is one of the most visually creative films ever made. It creates a world of it’s own based on exaggerations of suburban American culture. I think this might have the single best score of all time. The scene at the end when he’s shaving the angel ice sculpture is just magical.

Swingers (1996)

This is a great movie. It is very simple, but it is wonderful. It has pin point accuracy with it’s depiction of party life in Los Angeles and dealing with a broken relationship. I still think this is Vince Vaughn’s best performance. I always forget how good this is until I watch it again and fall back in love with it. It also has the best Vegas scene in a movie.

Halloween 2009

So last night I went to a Halloween party. I hadn’t dressed up for Halloween in years. I love the holiday, but I rarely dress up. I’m not even sure why, but this year I was determined. I had a few ideas but I went to about 8 stores and couldn’t find what I wanted. The day of Halloween it looked bleak, but I made one last effort at the Santa Anita mall. It was an absolute mess over there. Kids and parents were trick or treating and people were also looking frantically for costumes…it was worse than I had ever seen it….it was like a Bon Jovi concert in there. And for some reason nobody knew how to walk. It seemed like people were just trying to walk into me. They were aiming at me from every angle.. I was doing spins and twirls, dodging people like Barry Sanders.

But anyway….Brock was getting sweat pants for his costume. He was going as the kid from The Red Balloon. I had told him Marty Mcfly was one of my ideas but I couldn’t find the right jacket. He said JcPenny carried those jackets and he was right. They had them in orange too, it was perfect. Everything just came together really fast. My buddy Gustavo gave me an old denim jacket too. It just looked great. And to top it off I shave too.....for the first time in about 7 years……and now I remember exactly why I stopped shaving…..it sucks……it’s not fun..... and really it just looks awful. Why would you not want to have a beard?…They are just great.... it makes faces look awesome….I think 94 percent of guys would look better if they had a beard…..……we grow hair there for a reason.......So I have to now wait for my beard to come back…..good thing my heart pumps testosterone instead of blood and that shit will grow back in 37 hours. But in the mean time I look like Christopher Penn in Footloose.

The party was cool. I was just a little peeved that not that many people remarked on my costume…..I mean I shaved here….I sacrificed …..and also I actually really liked my costume…..and I thought it was kinda obvious who I was….I mean I don’t look anything like Michael J Fox…..but those clothes are so distinct….I thought it would be undeniable and everyone would have gotten it. Plus my buddy Silv dressed up at Teen Wolf and we were hanging out the whole night so we should have been the talk of the town……dual MJF’s in the house?....come on……..apparently people were unaware this was my big comeback into Halloween and I needed encouragement.

So I ended up drinking heavily. See I don’t drink very often. But when I do I don’t mess the fuck around. I get to business. I never get out of control or anyting, I just don’t waste time……..so I got my buzz on and had some good conversations……well I’m assuming…..but I wasn’t aware there was going to be a time change. So it really caught me by surprise. I looked at the clock at 1:44 am. 3 more gulps of Jim Beam and 2 odd conversations later…I looked again and it read 1:14……Being that I was dressed up as Marty Mcfly I thought I had traveled through time…..but I didn't....someone confirmed it...Which was disappointing…..even though traveling an hour back in time once and not knowing it….while you’re drunk….wouldn’t be that monumental….it’d just be an extra hour at the party……which now that I think about could have happened for all I know.....I was pretty drunk.......it kind of felt like I was time traveling

But the party was going well until the cops came......then the party started dying down and the energy got weird. So we left a little early…..well early for me. I got home at around 2 And I was still pretty drunk and didn’t really know what to do…..I had some time to kill before I got tired. So I was hungry...you know...drunk hungry….and just grabbed what ever I could find that I didn’t have to prepare….so I ended up just eating a bunch of random crap to fill my stomach….which ended up being a can of sardines, some hot and sour soup, 3 spoon fulls of peanut butter and tuna straight out of the can…… Then I got the idea to worked out…....needless to say I felt gross……man.......I feel gross just explaining it.

The 2nd One is Always the Hardest (that's what she said)

Aggrrrrr

Pure unfiltered frustration………

This is going to be my release here. This fucking blog right here is going to be my imaginary punching bag ………it’s going to relieve the pent up anger that builds up with every handful of bullshit that is thrown at me throughout the day.

I’m still trying to figure out what this blog is going to be about. My first one I wrote on here was just a story I tell. But I can’t go on telling all my stories….then, lets say hypothetically friends of mine start reading this….then when I’m at a party or hanging out and I want to tell them a story, they’ll say…oh I read that on your blog. Then it will be awkward silence and I'll probably apologize …Also to be quite honest I re-read my first blog today and I didn’t even tell the story well….in person it’s way more effective. I am able to visually re-create the scene showing you how I beat up the raccoon, which makes it a lot funnier and dramatic…..but screw it ….that’s over now because I wrote that stupid blog….damnit…..now I want to take it down.

So now I don’t even know what to write about…..should I write about my day?.....I can do that but, then chances are I’ll write it out and then say….well shit I didn’t do much today and then get upset with myself…and wish I did more productive and wish i would have gone to bed earlier…..so that idea is out

Should I complain?.......Complaining is always good fun…..That’s mainly what this is for right?…..But everyone does that already with their status updates on facebook. Status updates took over....they are like mini complaining blogs….but they require less reading. That’s probably why they are taking off. People don’t have the patience to read more than about 34 words without getting distracted…so status updates are perfect……

So what then, should I get deep?......I can do that…..shit if you want I’ll get deep as fuck with you guys….I ‘ll have you in tears…..calling me up having a heart to heart….saying “we should start hanging out again dude like the old days”…..but I don’t want to do that…I don’t want to come off like I want sympathy….. shit I’m not gonna lie sympathy sounds great….. I’ll take as much as you'll give me…..that and a pastrami sandwich while you are at it.

Damnit…..now I’m hungry…..look what happened here….this always happens to me…Damn food fantasies…… I try not to eat at least 4 hours before I go to bed…I hear that it’s good for you…but just about every night right before I go to sleep some kind of food pops in my head and I want that more than anything in the world.

When my ex girlfriend lived with me I would go get her coffee when ever she worked in the morning. And when I was there the pastries would just give me death stares through that plate of glass. Sometimes I was convinced they talked to me…….they would whisper in my ear how scrumptious they were. It was really tough not eating them…like army tough…...I wanted nothing more than to just go buck fucking crazy and punch through that glass and eat a blueberry muffin, a doughnut, a piece of coffee cake and then pound a large vanilla iced latte………but this is when I’m planning on going to bed in about 30 minutes, so I can’t do that. Consuming 1400 calories of pure refined sugar and flour right before you go to sleep is suicide…….and a large coffee…..that’s just dangerous..

But there was one day I just couldn’t take it. I just said screw it. I ate a doughnut…..3 bites of a scone….downed a large coffee. I then got home and went right to sleep. It probably gave me heartburn the next day and I gained 1.8 pounds…..but it was worth it just to do it once.

I love those moments where you just say……..fuck it……….I’m gonna do what ever the hell I want……because I can……....and I will………..here I come.......I think I need more of those.

So I guess I did it then huh…..I wrote my second blog………that’s good right?...….I mean my Nyquil will be kicking in, in 5….4….3…………okay it kicked in….. I need to post this quick before it’s lights out

The Last Time I Got into a Fight

It was 5:49 AM and the sun was just starting to peak out which meant it was time to go to sleep. My dog Sammy was howling at something in a tree but I wasn’t really paying attention to it. My other dog Jackie noticed something was up and started scratching at the door. I let her out and she ran overly anxious outside to join in with Sammy I brushed my teeth in the bathroom and then was walking to my room when I heard a loud thud outside fallowed by some rustling. As I calmly waked over to investigate I heard the most terrifying scream I’ve ever heard in my life. It was horrific. It sounded like a pterodactyl. If there was a movie about Satan’s baby….it would have sounded like that. It scared the hell straight from me.

My adrenaline kicked in and I ran as fast as one could while wearing socks on a tile floor. When I got outside I saw before me.. the biggest raccoon on this planet ... he was on Sammy’s back and he had him in a chokehold…..I am not joking. He had Sammy in a rear naked choke and Sammy was in a bad spot. Without thinking I screamed “get off of him you dirty raccoon!!!!” I had to intervene but I didn't want rabies. I magically grabbed the back of the raccoon’s neck and threw him off of Sammy in one fell swoop. It skidded along the concrete about 3 feet, sliding half the distance…..as soon as it stopped, it went straight into a battle stance with his claws and teeth exposed, ready to attack. I have to admit….that shit was scary. It looked like it had been in that battle stance many times before and knew what to do once it got there.

Both the dogs charged toward the raccoon. I dove and grabbed Jackie’s collar. I tried the same with Sammy but my finger slipped and he darted for the raccoon. Something just came over me……I had to protect my dogs, so I miraculously lunged toward the ravenous Raccoon. In one motion I shoved Sammy out of the way with my left arm and threw a lunging hook from hell with my right. It landed straight in the raccoon's stomach…..full force. I can still feel it's skin on my fist. It felt kinda like a chubby guy's stomach...but with fur. It hit that thing pretty hard....I probably hurt it...the poor thing.....It let out a defeated yelp and scurried off, up a tree. I didn't want to hurt it but it messed with my family....so sorry raccoon.

The dogs chased after it but I could see it was clearly gone. Still on my knees from throwing the low punch and exhausted, I collapsed on the ground and tried to catch my breath. As I was laying there, not knowing what had happened, my mom nonchalantly walks over to me and says. Joey, “what was the weird noise?” I replied with….”aw...I just beat up a Raccoon”